I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
