Just took my morning after pill in the library
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
