He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
