I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
