Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
