you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
