Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
