Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
