there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
