Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
When are your genitals available?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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