Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
