As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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