just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize