have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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