my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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