i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
