I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
