I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
