You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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