I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
3pm strippers are depressing
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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