I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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