Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
high people should be assigned attendants
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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