Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
