Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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