There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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