I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
