your parents love me but you hate me
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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