Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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