what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I think I won the penis lottery.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
They have beer where we have blood.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
