Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
