Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
