he wants to bone in the snuggie
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
