Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
