thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I want to fling myself into the sun
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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