I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
