i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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