If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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