Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
