I think my vagina is haunted
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
