wrigley field is MILF paradise
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
