I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize