I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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