her vagina looked like bernie madoff
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
