dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
