you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
