Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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