already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
