You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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