You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
