I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
