I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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