You're my little dorito
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
