So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
