Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize