if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
