I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
