We named our party play list daddy issues
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
