from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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