i don't like sucking hair
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
