I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
