just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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