Only a mothe r could love this liver
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize