I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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