I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Someone signed my nipple.
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