Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
