Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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