and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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