Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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