He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
