I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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