best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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